I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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