Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
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Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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