the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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