God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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