Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
