I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
