mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
