The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
