Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
