God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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