Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
