my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
