i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
