I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
