There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
