I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
