She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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