You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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