Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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