This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
