I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
