We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
