So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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