Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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