if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
