I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
