I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
