I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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