dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
We smell like vodka and hangover
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