He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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