maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
