I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
