can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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