we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
