WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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