I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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