when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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