the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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