She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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