we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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