if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
