I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm passing your future prison.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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