My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
