you would pick up someone in the library
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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