Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Send help, water and tortillas.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
