I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
