I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
