Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Everclear isn't food dammit
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
