Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
