My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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