found the other keg... it's in the tree
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
