You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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