you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
