he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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