then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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