she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
